How hard can it be?

My m-i-l called my husband Friday afternoon, asking if she could have our two kids spend the night. She wanted one of us to meet her by her office, which is on the other side of town, when she finished work, which would have meant trying to get there at the height of Friday afternoon traffic. Husband called her back and said it wasn't going to work for one of us to drive down there, but that if she wanted to get the kids, she could come to our house.

She called my cell phone at 5:00 and left a message telling me that she would try the house phone. Then she called my cell phone five minutes later to tell me that she hadn't been able to leave a message at the house (which has me stumped because I was at the house and never heard the phone ring) and asked me to call her back right away.

I didn't get her messages until an hour later because my cell phone was in my car, where it always is. I never carry it with me. I called her back, and she asked if she could come get the kids. I said that I'd have them ready.

Two hours and four phone calls later, she finally showed up. I was stunned that it seemed to be so hard for her to deal with this. She called to tell me that she'd call me when she was on her way. Then she called to tell me she was running late, and again to tell me she was finally on her way, and then again to tell me she was almost there. Six freaking phone calls! total for something that should have taken two at most.

When I told my husband about it, he said that it's what he goes through with her every time he arranges for his mother to see the kids, but he has learned to not answer his phone when she calls.

But honestly, how hard can it be to just call and say, "I'll be there at x:xx" and then stick to that time instead of having to push it later and later and later.

Just leave, please

I have a problem similar to the daughter-in-law below whose m-i-l arrives just in time for dinner, hoping for an invitation.

But instead of showing up for dinner, mine arrives and hangs out for hours. Like right now.

She brought our daughters home TWO HOURS AGO after having them all weekend, and she's still here. Ostensibly, she's here because my husband is supposed to be teaching her how to use the Blackberry she has to carry for her job, but I think that's a fool's errand. I've never met anyone less technologically inclined than she is.

My husband, however, walked outside to "take a work call" 30 minutes ago, and he hasn't returned. He dreads her visits almost as much as I.

I've retreated to my bedroom to fold laundry, which at least gets me out of having to make idle chit-chat with her.

I just wish she'd leave so that we can get back to our regularly scheduled afternoon.

Strange gifts indeed

My mil is not very good at buying gifts. When she and my fil were still married, she'd give everyone the same version of a guest-bath soap/towel/knick-knack combo she got at Sam's Club - every year.

In addition to the standard gift, she'd also give something personal. Like the year she gave me a nightgown, mesh lingerie bag and bottle of Woolite. She provided an explanation for the bag and the Woolite, saying, "You put the nightgown in the delicate cycle and use Woolite so it won't get ruined." Like somehow I had made it to adulthood without knowing what the delicate cycle and Woolite were.

After my first daughter was born, she gave my daughter a cute dress for her birthday and me a bottle of Spray and Wash. Again, with an explanation, "This stuff works really well at getting stains out." I just gave a stiff smile and thanked her.

I guess she doesn't trust my laundry skills.

Claim your own success

Eight years ago my mil went back to college. She had dropped out when my husband was born and never finished. My fil told her that since all of their kids were out of the house, she needed to get a job or go back to school - that she needed to do something other than sit around and cry about how nobody needed her.

MIL did very well in school, graduating suma cum laude and getting accepted into a rigorous graduate program. We were all very proud of her accomplishments. I told friends that going to school was the first truly selfish thing she had ever done, and I meant that as a compliment. This was the first time in her life she'd done anything just for herself - she worked hard at school and reaped the benefits of it. She should have been proud of herself.

But.

Midway through her year of graduate school, she left my FIL, waiting until he was out of town for a funeral to pack her belongings and leave a note on the counter for him. She went more than a year without speaking to FIL. We still don't know why she left. Four years after the fact, my FIL still isn't sure what happened other than maybe she lost her mind.

One day she arrived at our house unannounced and uninvited to talk to us about all sorts of things. During the confrontation she told us that the ONLY reason she had gone back to school was so that she wouldn't be a burden on anyone.

Talk about robbing yourself of your own success.

In the intervening years, she has done some things that have taken a good deal of strength and courage - like starting over again on her own, finishing graduate school, and finding a new job and beginning a new career. But again, like with her comment about going to school, she said that the ONLY reason she did all that was to protect her sons, her grown, married sons.

It's terrible of me, but I can't be proud of her accomplishments because she has managed to play the martyr role - doing all of those things for everyone but herself - instead of taking responsibility for her actions, both good and bad.

I'd be far prouder of her if she stood up and said, "I did all of this for me!"

Needing to Vent

MIL gets into town this weekend. I was really hoping I wouldn't have to see her again until after the baby is born but who was I kidding? She's been coming to town every year for this stupid summer street festival since Gram's death in 2003. It's hard enough having to tolerate the woman's inane chatter in the best of times. Now that I'm in the last few weeks of this pregnancy, I'm not sure I'll have the strength to paste a fake smile on and act cordial in her presence. With my own mom at least, I can be my cranky self. With MIL, I always need to take her extreme sensitivity into account. Sigh and groan.

You'll live, I promise

My mil lives in the same town and sees my kids pretty much every week. Either she visits them here or they go to her apartment. She tends to get snippy if there is something going on in our lives that prevents her from having time with the kids.

The other day she got really snippy when she found out that my parents, who see my kids three or four times a year, will be here for an extended visit. She sent my husband, who is very good at setting limits with her, a pitiful e-mail asking if there was any way she could see the kids for a few hours this week before "her parents arrive and I can't see the kids for two whole weeks."

Really?

It's that tragic that you have to share your grandkids for two weeks?

We have not in any way limited her access to them, even though we don't agree with many of her choices in life, and yet she sends an e-mail whinging about being kept away.

I'm waiting for the day when she complains that it's not fair that my parents get to come for a long visit, because then I'll just have to unload on her, and it won't be pretty.

Convenient timing

My mother-in-law has acquired the bad habit of calling in the early afternoon to say that she'll be stopping by "in a bit" to drop something off. My husband always tells her that it's fine because we'll be around (nevermind that by "we" he means me because he's at work).

Her definition of "in a bit" differs drastically from mine. I think of it as meaning in the next half hour or so. She means in a few hours, usually right at 5:30, when I'm putting dinner on the table. It's happened often enough that I don't think it's a coincidence.

She'll show up just as I'm getting the kids to wash their hands and set the table and will end up distracting them. I used to try to hold out on putting dinner on the table in the hopes that she'd drop off whatever it is she used as an excuse to come over, but I ruined a few dinners that way. Turns out meatloaf isn't any good more than an hour past its finished time.

So now I grit my teeth and put on my best fake smile and say, "I'm just putting dinner on the table. Would you like to join us?"

She always acts surprises and asks, "Are you sure? Do you have enough?" Like I could actually say no to either of those questions.

So our fun family dinner time turns into strained family dinner time, at least for me. I don't enjoy her company and don't enjoy having to make idle chit-chat. It's even more uncomfortable when my husband is running late and I end up having to entertain her solo.

Any suggestions on how to cut this habit off?