Convenient timing

My mother-in-law has acquired the bad habit of calling in the early afternoon to say that she'll be stopping by "in a bit" to drop something off. My husband always tells her that it's fine because we'll be around (nevermind that by "we" he means me because he's at work).

Her definition of "in a bit" differs drastically from mine. I think of it as meaning in the next half hour or so. She means in a few hours, usually right at 5:30, when I'm putting dinner on the table. It's happened often enough that I don't think it's a coincidence.

She'll show up just as I'm getting the kids to wash their hands and set the table and will end up distracting them. I used to try to hold out on putting dinner on the table in the hopes that she'd drop off whatever it is she used as an excuse to come over, but I ruined a few dinners that way. Turns out meatloaf isn't any good more than an hour past its finished time.

So now I grit my teeth and put on my best fake smile and say, "I'm just putting dinner on the table. Would you like to join us?"

She always acts surprises and asks, "Are you sure? Do you have enough?" Like I could actually say no to either of those questions.

So our fun family dinner time turns into strained family dinner time, at least for me. I don't enjoy her company and don't enjoy having to make idle chit-chat. It's even more uncomfortable when my husband is running late and I end up having to entertain her solo.

Any suggestions on how to cut this habit off?

A breakthrough

My oldest child had a athletic event Saturday, and my husband told his mother about it, so of course she showed up. It's like she has to witness every event in my children's lives. I was annoyed she was there, because I felt like she was one more thing I had to keep track of.

But then I had a revelation. It occurred to me that when my f-i-l shows up at such events (my in-laws are divorced), I don't worry about whether he's bored or being entertained. I go about doing what I would do if he weren't there. So why should it be any different with my m-i-l?

So when she arrived, I greeted her, explained what was going on, and then went about my day, sitting with my child, talking to other parents, taking care of my youngest child, who was with us for the event. I didn't ignore my m-i-l, I just didn't spend my time fretting over whether she was bored or hungry or tired or whatever. I also didn't sit next to her, attempting to make uncomfortable small talk for four hours.

It was wonderful. And I only felt the teeniest bit guilty.

That evening when I told my husband about my revelation, he patted me on the head and said, "It's about time you figured that out. I've been telling you to do that for years."

Somehow everything is always about her

I really don't hate my MIL. I just can't stand her cloying personality and the fact that I can't be my true, sarcastic, anti-social self when I'm around her. It also irks me that everything ends up being about her, no matter what the topic of the conversation is.

She also tends to hover and it drives me bonkers. I can't check my email or visit my favorite websites without her standing 3 feet away asking me inanely, "What are you doing? Are you sending an email? Are you checking your email?"

She also just informed us that she will likely be laid off very soon if her employer doesn't reassign her elsewhere. To her credit, she's trying to focus on the positives in her life, like the arrival of her grandchild. She said the only good thing about being losing her job is that she can stay for a while to help out this summer with my older son and the new baby.

Omigod, no, is all I can think. I can't tolerate having my own mom around for more than a week, how can I possibly stand to have MIL around for a long period of time?? I'm hoping dear hubby won't go for a longer visit either.

I have a life, too

My husband and I don't live in the same town as my mil. She lives in the town where we both went to college and still have lots of friends. But when we come to town for a visit, we are expected to spend every minute of every day of our visit with her. If we tell her that we have other plans, there are tears and guilt trips that my husband completely falls for every time. He ends up not seeing his friends because he's spending time with his mother.

When I opt out of planned activities with my mil so that I can catch up with friends, I get a complete guilt trip from my husband, which drives me insane.

It's not like I don't spend any time with her. I join in for at least one lunch and one dinner, and I figure that's enough. She's not my mother, and I don't particularly enjoy her company. I don't prevent my husband from spending time with his mother. I figure he can choose to spend his time how he wants. I just want the same consideration from him.

Is that too much to ask?

Whose day is it anyway?

Not only do I have to deal with a mil, my husband's grandmother lives in our town, and she can be just as difficult.

Last weekend she was at the house, and as she was leaving, she asked what were were doing this weekend, Sunday in particularly. I've learned through the years not to give her any concrete answers to this kind of question. When I said that I needed to check my calendar because I was pretty sure that one of the kids had a soccer game, she invited us for lunch on Sunday because my husband's sister and her husband would be in town. When I again said that I needed to check the calendar, she said, "Plus, it's mother's day."

Aha. I knew there was a reason she was asking in such a roundabout way. She was hoping we'd commit to coming for lunch before we realized it was mother's day.

After she left, I told my husband that there was no way I was going to spend my mother's day cramming the kids into nice clothes, take them to his grandmother's house only to chase them around to make sure they weren't breaking any of her knick-knacks or spilling something on her white carpet, and making polite small talk with people I don't really have anything to talk about with. I also said that since I was the only one in the group who was actively mothering, I had the right to decide what I was going to do on mother's day without getting any grief from anyone.

Fortunately, my husband is on my side, and when his mother called to see what we were doing, he told her that neither of us would be going to brunch and that if they wanted to see the kids (which is what they really want anyway), she could take them with her to brunch so that I could have some quiet time.

So I did get my day to myself. But it would be nice not to have the silly stuff before hand.

I'm jealous

There - I've said it. I'm jealous of my mother-in-law, but not in the way you think. I'm jealous that my mil gets to spend so much time with my kids but my mother doesn't. My mil lives here; my mother lives 1000 miles away. She visits us frequently, but it's just not the same. She doesn't get to have sleepovers with the kids, doesn't get to take them to events in town, doesn't get to just hang out with them.

While I don't dislike my mil, I don't really like her either. I don't agree with her view of the world - narrow, sheltered, Southern Baptist - and I don't agree with many of the choices she's made in the past few years. And that's a lot of the problem. She's not the role model I want for my children.

That's not to say my mom's perfect, but she's well educated, well traveled, and aware of what's going on in the world. She also doesn't try to shove religion into my kids when she's around them. She's the grandmother I want my kids to be around, not my mil.

But what can I do? My parents aren't going to move here, and my mil isn't going to move away. So I suck it up and hide my jealousy and count the days until my mother comes for visit.

Welcome

Do you want to blog about your mother-in-law but are afraid that she'll real what you've written? Or that your spouse will read it? Or a friend of your mother-in-law who will then pass along what you've read?


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