Eight years ago my mil went back to college. She had dropped out when my husband was born and never finished. My fil told her that since all of their kids were out of the house, she needed to get a job or go back to school - that she needed to do something other than sit around and cry about how nobody needed her.
MIL did very well in school, graduating suma cum laude and getting accepted into a rigorous graduate program. We were all very proud of her accomplishments. I told friends that going to school was the first truly selfish thing she had ever done, and I meant that as a compliment. This was the first time in her life she'd done anything just for herself - she worked hard at school and reaped the benefits of it. She should have been proud of herself.
But.
Midway through her year of graduate school, she left my FIL, waiting until he was out of town for a funeral to pack her belongings and leave a note on the counter for him. She went more than a year without speaking to FIL. We still don't know why she left. Four years after the fact, my FIL still isn't sure what happened other than maybe she lost her mind.
One day she arrived at our house unannounced and uninvited to talk to us about all sorts of things. During the confrontation she told us that the ONLY reason she had gone back to school was so that she wouldn't be a burden on anyone.
Talk about robbing yourself of your own success.
In the intervening years, she has done some things that have taken a good deal of strength and courage - like starting over again on her own, finishing graduate school, and finding a new job and beginning a new career. But again, like with her comment about going to school, she said that the ONLY reason she did all that was to protect her sons, her grown, married sons.
It's terrible of me, but I can't be proud of her accomplishments because she has managed to play the martyr role - doing all of those things for everyone but herself - instead of taking responsibility for her actions, both good and bad.
I'd be far prouder of her if she stood up and said, "I did all of this for me!"
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I wish, for my FIL's sake, that my MIL would leave him. She'd never do it, but if she did, she'd pull the martyr act, too. Is it wrong that I actually look forward to her becoming old and infirm, because as the oldest 'daughter', her care will be left to me?
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My Mother AND my Mother in law are very good at the 'Martyr' roles. I used to wonder why my mother in law bothered me so much, and to tell you the truth she acts like my mom from time to time, but worse if possible. I don't like to feel empathy or sympathy for people who have to bide for it. They should try doing things unselfishly for other people and get their mind's off of themselves perhaps.
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